Satire

Sundress Nationalism

Originally published at FLAPPR.netKeep the Faith, Hold the Line. Own the Libs.


Ah yes. . . the sundress. That flowy, lightweight symbol of summertime that highlights curves and has pitched more tents than the Cabela’s catalog.

Ladies, I don’t think this is a secret. . . men love sundresses. It is our favorite item in your wardrobe.

So what’s the big deal, why do dudes go ape for sundresses? Well, according to noted sundress enthusiast, @bokoharambe: “The sundress is the perfect balance of sexy and cute. Covering more than enough for modesty, but showing your woman off enough to make sure your friends know how lucky you are.” Harambe adds that “the sundress is the perfect female article of clothing.”

I think our adoration for this warm-weather wrap goes a step beyond that, though. The sundress occupies a very special place in every boy’s mind. Most men can remember the time we first witnessed our crush roll up on the last day of school in an outfit that just. hit. different.

Cornflower blue with polka dots, cut above the knee and plunging below the neck further than we’d ever seen before, that frock made Suzy Sundress beam with confidence and seared a visage into our brains that we can never shake.

The sundress excels at showing without telling, drawing people in with a peek while leaving something to the imagination.

Casual, yet classy, the sundress is both functional and accentuates a woman’s most feminine attributes. A toned tush looks great in a sundress. That summery mint green number we like, the one with the little white flowers, really helps bring out the blue in your eyes, which we swear we are focused on. Your beautiful smile beams brighter as your sundress dances in the wind.

Most importantly, we don’t just love sundresses for our own selfish interests – we like how confident and relaxed you feel when you wear them. Your happiness matters!

No, seriously, senoritas, we understand and empathize with you on this one! It’s summertime, the sun is out, it’s hot and a pair of perspiring pontoons serves nobody’s interests. You deserve to feel beautiful, self-assured and let those ravishing rib-cushions bask in the sun!

All we want is for you to be the sexiest, most fulfilled and healthy version of yourself!

No, really.

Stop laughing!

We’re being genuine and this is no joking matter!

Did you know that heat stroke kills nearly 400 people each year? Guess how many of them were wearing sundresses at the time of their demise? Well, I have no idea, but I’d wager that number was zero.

Anyways, you get the idea.

Sadly, experts believe that sundress utilization rates have declined in recent years. According to research conducted at the Flappr Institute of Anatomical Research, women are increasingly ditching the sundress for athleisure wear.

Now, this development is not all bad. A set of unassailable umlauts look magnificent whether bridled in a shapely sporty tank or a strapless smock. Make no mistake, women look great in Lululemon – yet athleisure wear feels emblematic of on-going societal erosion caused by “comfort culture”.

The sundress is a distinctly feminine and modest garment that harkens back to a day when people used to wear suits and dresses on airplanes and generally gave a fuck about standards. By comparison, stretch pants are now unisex, suggestive and represent a society that is struggling to find itself . . . and might be too fucking lazy to bother figuring it all out.

No, we are not teetering on the end of the sundress era – but as inheritors of this storied tradition we must not ignore warning signs when they present themselves.

Men and women must work together to preserve this sacred institution.

Fellas, that means we have to put forth the effort too. Studies show that the best way to incentivize sundress adoption rates is for men to similarly up their own game. I’m sorry to report, but you might need to buy another button down shirt to replace the one with a hole in the sleeve. Yeah, those stinky jeans fit like a glove, but it won’t kill you throw on a pair of khakis to your sister-in-law’s engagement party.

If you look dapper, the women in your life will feel more inclined to meet you at your level. And you want the missus (and all of the other women at the party) to wear something like this, don’t you?

We should all strive for something a little better than just “comfy” or “convenient”.

We should embrace that which makes us unique.

We should reject modernity and embrace Sundress Nationalism.


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