Satire

It ‘Twerked – Hypnotic Gluteal Gyration Campaign Convinces SCOTUS to Revisit Roe

Originally published at Flappr.net: Keep the Faith, Hold the Line. Own the Libs.


Who said ass dancing can’t change hearts and minds?

As a testament to the power of grr-ass-roots campaigning, the Supreme Court of the United States has announced plans to revisit its recent overturning of Roe v. Wade.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Chief Justice John Roberts said he was personally affected by how personally affected fratboy Brett Kavanaugh was upon seeing a Rhode Island state senator campaign video in support of abortion rights.

“He came to me…you won’t believe this…in tears. Sobbing. It was that powerful,” Roberts said.

“It,” of course, refers to Rhode Island state senator Tiara Mack’s viral campaign video…twerking.

Inspiring.

For those unfamiliar, “twerk” is short for “to work,” a term popularized in the stripper community that has become a barometer separating lazy dancers from the work horses willing to put in the extra effort to make that bread.

According to Merriam-Webster, twerking is “sexually suggestive dancing characterized by rapid, repeated hip thrusts and shaking of the buttocks.” It is “a catch-all for an overtly sexualized style of dancing wherein one manipulates the hips and posterior in an often hypnotic and physics-defying bounce.”

“Hypnotic” is the key word here, as it implies that SCOTUS’ sudden about-face on abortion is the result not of rational evaluation on the merits of the issue but hypnotism, mind control, and possibly voodoo.

State senator Mack didn’t just twerk. She twerked upside down, on her head, legs sprawled, bikini barely hanging on.

This inverted twerk is a highly subversive form of the more traditional and wholesome right-side-up twerk. It symbolizes chaos, anarchy, and “queer bodily autonomy” in the post-Roe era of authoritarian patriarchy.

According to sources, Roberts has been overheard humming the melody to “Jungle Fever” in the hallways.

Lesbians need abortions, too, but Mack’s not just twerking for abortion rights. She is advocating #twerkfor “a green new deal,” “reparations,” and “black girl magic”–all basic human rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution.

In case you thought this was an isolated event–that Mack was a lone wolf single-handedly restoring dignity and respect to women of color and queerness all on her own–think again.

Shortly after Mack’s inverted twerk video went viral, woke trolls then circulated photoshopped images of a blond-haired blue-eyed AOC in a see-through blouse and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi leaked photos of her gigantesco siliconis on a beach in Italy.

No comment.

What’s next is anybody’s guess–wet T-shirt contests between Maxine Waters and Jerry Nadler? Head waxing fundraisers with Ayanna Pressley and Peter Defazio? Flossing TikToks featuring Debbie Wasserman Shultz and Martin Heinrich?

Whatever tactics they come up with, be ready. For a party struggling to connect with voters because of record inflation, $5 gas, and an economy on the brink of recession, Pelosi and Mack’s T&A teasers are just the tip of the iceberg. If these tricks can turn the stoic minds of judicial scholars like Brett Kavanaugh into cucks of wokeism, the rest of us are fish in a barrel.

Stay vigilant. Stay alert–but not too alert.


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