satire

MLG Wants Puerto Rico Statehood So NM Isn’t Last at Everything

Facing a tough re-election this November, Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham is lobbying Congress to hurry up and make Puerto Rico the 51st state so New Mexico isn’t last at everything.

“We need a real shit hole in the union so our state doesn’t look so bad,” MLG wrote in a letter to Congress. “It may be my only shot at a second term.” 

Grisham has come under fire of late for leading from the back on literally every category, from education to welfare to its last-in-the-nation economic recovery since COVID hit.

During a recent campaign meeting, staffers brainstormed ways to buoy the beleaguered governor’s embarrassing record.

According to one staffer, the governor’s office considered seceding from the union, which would automatically make New Mexico a third-world country — better a mid-ranked shit hole than last in the U.S. — but the incompetence that brought us to this point made it hard enough for them just to spell secession, let alone execute one.

“We tried everything,” the campaign said. “We legalized weed, thinking a higher electorate would favor our side. We pushed the legislature to lower the voting age to 16 or let convicts vote, but that failed. Throwing taxpayer money at literally everything has done fuckall. We just ran out of options.”

Under Democrat leadership in the governor’s office, Democrat super-majorities in the state House and Senate, and an all-Democrat state Supreme Court, lobbying for statehood of a third-world American-controlled territory is New Mexico’s only shot at improving its rank in the U.S.

“It’s either that or we vote Republican,” the staffer said, laughing. “But that would be racist.” 

3 replies »

  1. Who is paying this woman money to be incompetent? She’s not happy with the Plandemic emergency monies she received and still receives? Hmmmmm.
    “Rules for me but not for thee?” She needs to get off the sugar tit. Let an adult with honor run the show.

  2. I agree with the content. Your language is atrocious. I can do without your sophomoric vocabulary. Your satirical article would be much better without the added profanity.

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