Satire

Biden Picks Blackest of Black Women on SCOTUS Short List 

It wasn’t a difficult choice, sources inside the White House say. After promising to nominate the first Black woman to the Supreme Court, Biden’s short list contained three names.

“Only one of them really sounded Black,” according to an anonymous source, who was sworn to secrecy and vowed a CIA assassination on the whole staff of The Conservative New Mexican if his identity was revealed. 

“Ketanji Brown Jackson had two things going for her: she has the darkest complexion and the Blackest sounding name,” according to the source, who is White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain.

Klain said Jackson was the obvious choice from the beginning. “We added the other names so it didn’t look like we were pandering, which we were, and so the media would tell the American people that Jackson was the most qualified, which they did (though she wasn’t) — because that’s what we told them to say.”

Julianna Michelle Childs, of the U.S. District Court in South Carolina, had the best resum´e but the straightest hair. And she’s Catholic, “which, being that it’s a religion, angers our base,” Klain said.

Leondra Kruger, the third name on the list, is “young and intelligent, a real inspiration,” but it turns out she’s not only half-White–she’s also married to a White man.

Kruger was the only nominee with experience as a state Supreme Court justice, but “the liberal base would have rioted if we nominated a woman who is happily married to a White man,” Klain said.

After a year of royally f*cking up literally everything it touched, from domestic policy to foreign, Biden was adamant that the Supreme Court nominee be a home run for the administration. 

“He wanted a female Cornpop, but it turned out Cornpop never went to law school and didn’t get a sex change. Ketanji was the best we could do,” Klain said.

The icing on the cake — Black icing, of course — is that Jackson’s uncle was a repeat felon who was sentenced to life in prison for repeat drug and gun offenses. 

Thomas Brown Jr. was convicted under the Three Strikes laws for intent to distribute five kilos of cocaine. Prior to that, he’d been convicted on multiple drug charges, including a firearms felony, trafficking 14 kilos of cocaine (in 1989) and 20 pounds of marijuana (in 1982). 

His sentence was commuted by Barack Obama.

“Ketanji is as Black as we could find — the name, the hair, the skin. Adding ‘lived experience’ with the uncle stuff was a godsend. It means anyone who opposes her is…”

“ — a racist?” we asked.

“Precisely,” Klain said.

“What if a few Republicans support Jackson’s nomination?” 

“Still racists. Just pandering racists, which is the worst kind.”

2 replies »

    • Can’t please everybody all the time.

      Though for the record it’s not opinion, it’s satire, a not-very-unrealistic fictionalization of the Biden Administration’s SCOTUS selection process.

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