satire

Biden Adds Trans Furry Anti-Anarcho Dogecoin Blogger to SCOTUS Short List

Facing criticism over the lack of diversity on his SCOTUS short list, President Biden announced Thursday he is putting trans furry anarcho Dogecoin blogger “Twinkie Bloop” to the top of his list to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer.

Social media was quick to condemn the Uniter In Chief after news broke that his short list contained only three names — all straight black females.

“This is pure political pandering,” CNN’s Brian Stelter tweeted. “If ‘diversity on the court’ is a priority, why no Asians, Indians, or Trans…es…?”

After Biden called Stelter a “stupid son of a bitch,” his White House handlers promptly issued an apology, both for the name-calling and the anti-wokness of the hetero-normative short list.

Born Kevin Neil, Mr. Bloop is a relatively unknown “anti-anarcho-Dogecoin” blogger and social media reply guy (or gal…or…whatever) whose posts consist of rage-filled epithets in response to news articles that Zher/Zhym/Zherzelf clearly hasn’t read beyond the headline.

“Most people don’t read, don’t think, and don’t like the name their parents gave them,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psacki said, “which makes Twinkie about as representative of America as you can get. Add in Zher’s largesse, aposematic hair color, and general disdain for ‘normies,’ and Twinkie is so similar to the average Democrat voter that Zhe is literally a shoe-in for the job.”

“The job,” in fact, was a significant factor in adding Zher to the list. According to Psaki:

“Like most Americans, Twinkie is overeducated and underemployed. Not employed at all, in fact, because Zhe won’t stoop to work that is beneath her (sic) Phoenix University master’s level online education. We’re not just playing diversity politics here. Biden is a job creator. We have a job opening, and Twinkie needs a job. That’s just good economic policy.”

— Pen Jsacki, White House Spokema…wom…person

On Zher blog, Mr. Bloop writes about everything from crypto-currency regulation and furry community safe spaces to the erotically-charged hatred of anarchist Michael Malice. Twinkie Bloop’s name, according to Zher bio, apparently stems from Zher pre-transition sexual orientation and the sound Zher cell phone makes when Zher mom texts Zher to come upstairs for dinner.

“After I freed myself from the violent oppression of my male genitalia (with the help of some very skilled surgeons), I tried to change my name again, because I was no longer a Twink, but the judge denied my request. #transphobiaisreal”

In a statement issued after being added to the SCOTUS short list, Mr. Bloop issued the following statement:

“I used to dream of going up to my mother, taking her in my arms, and saying ‘Look at me. Listen to me. And as hard as it might be to imagine, your son will grow up and become the first trans-female furry SCOTUS Justice.’ That dream is now becoming a reality!”

Democrats anticipate a swift confirmation hearing. 

“The future-Honorable Twinkie Bloop is neither Satan, Catholic Satan, nor a serial college rapist alcoholic bodybuilder like Trump’s nominees to the high court,” Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer said. “If Republicans try to play games and oppose this nomination, we will label them as transphobic bigots. Which they are.”

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