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Biden Pleads Through COVID Cough: ‘Pleash Get Vakshinated’ in Super Reassuring Address to the Nation

In a shpeesh Tuesday, President Joe Biden was inshishtent that all Americans — whether Democrat or Republican, poor or Whitedamn liarsstupid bastards, or dog-faced pony soldiers — get vaccinated.

Battling a cough and some slippery dentures, Biden made his case, repeatedly, to get vaccinated. 

“Vakshinated people who get COVID may get ill, but they’re protected from sheveer illnesh and desh,” Biden said. “That’s why you shood shtill remain viggzelent” (clears throat). “According to our doktersh, even if you’re fully vakshinated you should wear a mashk indoorsh and in public shettingsh.”

“The shotsh are free!” he continued. “Pleash, get vakshinated. I’m vakshinated. They protect you. So pleash get vakshinated. It’sh patriotic. And free.”

In an attempt to reach across the political aisle, Biden even praised former president Donald Trump for getting vakshinated, which immediately caused the entirety of the vax-holdout MAGAns to run out and get as many COVID shots as they could. Which ended the pandemic overnight. Because Biden is the great uniter. 

The end. 

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