Saturday Satire

How to Calculate the Number of Migrants Your Family Should Take In

The ever-generous Vatican has announced that it will help save the world by taking in migrants who are in need of housing.

“May the Lord awaken the conscience of all of us in front of all these things,” Pope Francis said. “We cannot be silent and look away at this culture of indifference.”

And look away he shall do no more. 

The Vatican will be taking in twelve (12, dodici) migrants.

The news has warmed the hearts of Catholics and non-religious do-gooders alike, prompting questions from the mathematically challenged about how they can follow in the Pope’s footsteps and do their part.

The Vatican is recommending that families use household net worth to calculate how many migrants they can afford to care for. For example, the Vatican itself controls $7.3 billion in global assets. Divided by 12 migrants, the Vatican has calculated that it should possess approximately $608,333,333 for each migrant it takes in.

To be popelike, use this as your baseline.

If you’re an average American family with a median net worth of $97,000, that means you should lovingly welcome 0.0001 migrants into your home this winter.

Adding one ten-thousandth of a person to your family may feel like a lot — all the food they will eat, the water and electricity they will use, the couch space they will take up— but remember why you’re doing it.

Remember the example Pope Francis has set and the sacrifice he has made to help the world. And know that while you will never live up to the saintly perfection of holiness and selflessness that Frank embodies, you can try in your own pitiful way.

2 replies »

  1. Dear Nick

    Very good! Did you know that vaccination is an anagram of ‘I con Vatican’?

    Vatican good at conning people into giving money to the coughers (sic) of the Vatican.

    Kind regards

    Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s