Saturday Satire

Arroyo Drug Dump Solves City Homelessness

A forward-thinking group of Albuquerque residents have come up with a sure-fire way of ending homelessness in the Duke City. 

“We watched our public safety officers scramble after the last monsoon storm to save a handful of drug addicts shooting up in the arroyos, and it hit us like a ton of bricks,” Albuquerque resident Matt Forge said in an exclusive interview. “Just like that, Operation Adios No-Casas was born.”

No Casas — a rough translation of “homeless” in broken Burqueño—is a joint operation between City of Albuquerque and the just-launched 501-C3 group of the same name. 

The goal of No Casas is to clean up Albuquerque streets by “using the natural elements” to literally wash away the scourge of junkies populating city streets. 

The method, though unorthodox, is to contract with the city to buy mass amounts of meth, heroin, and pool floaties, attach baggies of drugs to the floaties, and throw them into the arroyos just before a big rainstorm.

“The thinking is, if you dump free drugs into the arroyos, the junkies will jump in, hop on the floatie, shoot up, and sail on down the Rio Grande to better pastures.” 

— Operation Adios No-Casas Founder Matt Forge

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