Saturday Satire

Cornflower Blue Keller & His Unhoused Dem Base: The Conservative New Mexican Investigates

Bringing you another exclusive interview with the third and final Albuquerque mayoral candidate Tim Keller. He is a Democrat. He is the incumbent. And he is arguably the least successful mayor in the history of mayors. Ever. 

Under Keller’s watch, homicides hit a record in August, with four months left in the year. Homelessness is out of control. And despite spending millions on new initiatives to combat both problems, neither has improved. Here is our story.

“Mr. Keller, you were last to accept an interview with The Conservative New Mexican. You are last. Are you also least?”

“Much like our homicide rate, I don’t like to look at it as completely terrible,” Keller said. “I prefer to call it victorally challenge.”

“Would you say Albuquerque is victorally challenged when it comes to leadership at City Hall?”

“No, no,” Keller said, smiling. “I would say the rate of unsafe behavioral activities within municipal boundaries has shown an upward trajectory that requires greater attention and dedication of resources.”

“You talk like a Twitter bot writes your speeches.”

“I would politely contravene such diagnostics of my preferred form of discourse,” Keller said.

“Here’s a question,” we said. “The city postponed a vote to enact a gas tax a couple months ago. More recently, they postponed a vote on speed cameras. Did you orchestrate these delays because it’s an election year and it would hurt you politically, or did the City Council postpone action on these controversial issues on your behalf because it’s an election year and it would hurt you politically?”

“We will revisit those issues after the election.” 

“Okay. Thank you for your straighforwardness. Another question: What do you think is Eddy Aragon’s weakest attribute as a mayoral candidate?”

“The way he says his name.”

“What do you mean?”

“He says it Eddy Air-uh-gone, like a midwestern WASP. Like he’s not New Mexican. A New Mexican with a name like Aragon would prounounce it ‘Odd-ah-gohn.’

“How?”

“‘Odd-ah-gohn.’”

“How again?”

“‘Odd-ah-gohn.’”

“I see.”

“He should pronounce it like Grace Toledo, that traffic reporter.”

“How’s that?”

“She says, ‘Gray’s toe-leddo.’ ”

“How will Aragon be written on the ballot?”

“Aragon.”

“Hm, yeah. I see your point,” we conceded. “What would you say is Manny Gonzales’ weakest attribute as a mayoral candidate?”

“His record on crime,” Keller said.

“Because Albuquerque is within Bernalillo County, he’s the Bernalillo County sheriff, and therefore he’s partially responsible for the spike in Albuquerque crime?”

“Precisely,” Keller said. 

“Can’t you just say ‘yes’?”

“Affirmative.”

“Would you say America is responsible for increased homicides in Albuquerque because Albuquerque is within the United States?”

“Absolutely I would.”

“Would you say roads are responsible for road rage because road rage takes place on roads.”

“I would say it’s impossible to separate the two, yes,” Keller said.

From here we had Keller fill out a questionnaire. Here are his answers.

  • What is your favorite color: Cornflower blue.
  • What is your favorite part about being a Democrat: The color of the party logo, which is Cornflower blue-ish.
  • What is your favorite holiday: Christmas. I consider myself to be the Will Ferrell of Albuquerque, and nothing pleases me more than pretty lights.
  • What is your favorite food: Pastries, particularly croissants. But you can’t say it “cross-ont” like a hick. You have to says it “quass-ont,” because that sounds neater.
  • How do you feel about pandering to the political wokeness of the moment: I believe Albuquerque is institutionally racist and we should erect (no pun intended) non-gender bathroom facilities across the city so that LGBTQ and Latinx populations can micturate comfortably based on the sexual orientation of their choosing.
  • What is your plan to combat homelessness: I believe in my heart that the our “unhoused community” needs and wants the complete and unlimited resources of taxpaying residents. The only way to end homelessness is to give them literally everything they want, and permanent housing comes first. If they have permanent housing, they can vote, which is why I pushed City Council to make bussing free — so they can pay their dues at the polls for all the free things we provide. My greatest hope is that they tell their bum friends in less bum-friendly cities to come here and live, for free, and vote, for me.

Thanks for joining us on this week’s edition of The Conservative New Mexican Investigates!

2 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s