Saturday Satire

Manny’s Deepest Thoughts: The Conservative New Mexican Investigates

In our continuing quest to deliver the hardest hitting news in the history of news, The Conservative New Mexican once again dons the cape of journalistic superheroism in this exclusive interview with Albuquerque mayoral candidate Manny Gonzales.

Showing the side of Manny most never see, asking the tough questions real journalists won’t, and delving into Manny “the Mind” Gonzales’ deepest thoughts to provide Duke City voters the information they need to pick their next mayor, here is our story.


Let’s start with the low-hanging fruit (pun-intended): Manny is short — Danny-Devito-in-boat-shoes short, which is super short by national standards but not so short (by New Mexico standards) to make him unelectable. Current governor Michelle Lujan Grisham is shorter by a foot and dumber by a mile but still managed to get elected. 

So we asked, “You’re mini compared to both incumbent Tim Keller and Republican challenger Eddy Aragon, who’s over six feet with a good 70 pounds on you. If this were the UFC you’d be in a weight class where two of you still wouldn’t be allowed to fight Eddy. Do you think height is an impediment or a non-factor in the Albuquerque mayoral race?”

Manny thought for a moment and said, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Michelle Lynn Lujan Grisham has been accused of compensating for her height disadvantage by making her name really long. You though, rather than adding a second last name you actually knocked off a letter of your full name — going by Manny instead of Manuel. Was that purposeful or coincidental?”

“No,” Manny said. “People just call me Manny.”

“Do they call you ‘Manny the Mind’?”

“No,” he said.

“Why is that?” we asked.

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you think Keller’s good hair will be a problem for your election odds?” we asked.

Manny looked to the heavens in contemplation before saying, “No, I don’t think so.”

“What about his cargo shorts?” 

“Can you repeat the question?” Manny asked.

“Keller wears cargo shorts everywhere, and not once has he worn them for the purpose of transporting cargo. Some say grown men should not wear shorts in public. As a pants man yourself, do you think Keller’s cargo shorts fetish works to your advantage?”

Manny took a deep breath, thinking hard before imbuing us with his erudite elucidation. “Maybe, yeah,” he said.

From here we turned the interview away from the political rat race to give voters a glimpse into Manny’s personal side.

“What kind of car do you drive?”

“An SUV,” Manny said.

“Does it have running boards or do you jump in?”

“It has running boards,” he said.

“What’s your favorite local TV news station?”

Manny stuttered at this greatest of gotcha questions. “Um,” he said. “Uh…”

“Stumped ya didn’t we. I told you we don’t fuck around.”

“It’s probably, uh, the one with the K…”

“KRQE?” we asked.

“No, the other one.”

“KOAT?”

“No, the other one.”

“KOB?”

“Yeah,” Manny said. “KOB.”

“You know what they say, there are two types of men in Albuquerque: Mentus men and Ribando men. So you’re a Mentus man?”

“I like KOB,” Manny said.

“Were you a Dick Knipfing man, too?”

“No, I’ve never done that,” Manny said.


“Here’s a personal question for you: In your opinion, what is the best song ever recorded, and why is it Caribbean Queen?”

“I’m more of an Amarillo By Morning guy,” Manny said.

“So you like Amarillo more than Albuquerque?”

“No,” Manny clarified.

“Do you hate the Caribbean?”

“No,” he said. “I just like George Strait is all.”

“What’s your favorite movie?”

The Sandlot,” Manny said.

“Are you Benny ‘The Jet’ Rodriguez or Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous?”

“Can you repeat the question?” Manny asked.

“Did you go pro or marry Wendy Peffercorn?”

“My wife’s name is not Wendy,” Manny said.

“Are you sure?”

“Um.”


There you have it, folks: as in-depth a look into Albuquerque mayoral candidate Manny Gonzales’ deepest thoughts as you’ll ever get, brought to you by the crackpot investigative team here at the one-and-only Conservative New Mexican.

Check back next week for our exclusive interview with incumbent Mayor Tim Keller.

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