In an era of deep political divides and increasing distrust of the media, and in light of recent new reports (and a court petition) inquiring about Albuquerque mayoral candidate Eddy Aragon’s living arrangements, we at The Conservative New Mexican took it upon ourselves to conduct a thorough and uncompromised investigation into the structure, style, and sanitariness of Aragon’s residential shower.
Our findings proved revelatory.
The investigation was spurred by the oddly specific interest of KOB4’s Chris Ramirez and The Albuquerque Journal’s Jessica Dyer, who also inquired about Aragon’s sleeping arrangements following (as yet unprove) allegations that Aragon was not residing at his studio office within Albuquerque city limits.
To maintain utter objectivity, The Conservative New Mexican will leave the analysis of Eddy’s bedding to Chris and Jessica. But we did our part. Here is our story:
First and foremost, Eddy is a bar soap guy.
In a pink ceramic cutout within the stand-up shower itself sat an approximately 30% used bar of Ivory soap.
When interrogated about his hatred of modern bottled body wash, Aragon was cagey and dismissive of his sudsy preferences, stating, “Well, I’m bald, for one, so one bar’ll do. And it’s less waste, for two.”
TconNM: “Is it because you’re been to prison?”
TconNM: “Is it because you’re a closet Liberal who loves the environment?”
Eddy: “I do love the environ…”
TconNM: “ — Is it because you’re actually really old and mentally stuck in the 1980s?”
Eddy: “I’m 47, but the ’80s were bangin’.”
Further investigation revealed that Eddy’s showerhead was not detachable and offered only two pressure settings: high and slightly less high.
TconNM: “How many gallons per minute are dispensed per pressure setting?”
Eddy: “I have no idea.”
TconNM: “The people deserve to know.”
Eddy: “I honestly can’t tell you. It’s enough to get clean.”
TconNM: “How clean?”
At this point Aragon raised an eyebrow in a suggestive, come-hither type way. In the interests of science, and for the reputation of investigative journalists everywhere, we kept our guard up but drew nearer.
Eddy lifted his right arm and wafted outward with his left hand. While no smell was detected, seemingly confirming his claim of sufficient human cleanliness, further investigation is warranted.
Next on the inspection report was a comprehensive sanitation evaluation.
The shower overall appeared well-built and structurally sound. No leaks were detected, the uniformity of the tile work indicated spacers and proper grouting practices were followed in the construction of the shower, and Aragon’s towel — which was white with three vertical blue stripes — was neatly hung on a towel hook next to the closet.
Inside the shower was another story.
While no dirt or grime was present, there did appear to be some signs of hard water spots on the tile and glass door.
TconNM: “How often do you bleach?”
TconNM: “Soft scrub or powder cleanser?”
Eddy: “Soft scrub is a superior product.”
TconNM: “Considering your bar soap puritanism, you understand why some might assume you would use powder cleanser.”
Eddy: “Soft scrub is the cleanser for me.”
TconNM: “Why don’t you bleach more often than weekly?”
Eddy: “Some people may not know this, but excessive bleaching can yellow the tile and erode the caulking, which increases the likelihood of leaks.”
TconNM: “Are you secretly a contractor?”
Eddy: “I run a talk radio show.”
TconNM: “Do you do it yourself or hire it out?”
Eddy: “The talk radio show or the caulking?”
TconNM: “Don’t evade the question.”
“I do my own caulking and talking,” Eddy claimed.
It was pointed out to Aragon that the shower caulking looked professionally done.
“It’s not that hard,” he said.
We stared at each other for a solid 5 seconds. Eddy blinked first, but he was otherwise expressionless.
TconNM: “And the blue stripes on your towel?”
Eddy: “My…the towel?”
TconNM: “Your defensiveness is noted.”
The final aspect of our investigation was safety.
We pointed out to Aragon that there were no textured anti-slip stickers on the shower floor.
“There are not,” he confessed, “but I really should get some.”
TconNM: “It’s for the best.”
Eddy: “I’m sure it is.”
TconNM: “You’re no spring chicken. One fall could do significant damage.”
Eddy: “I’ll put it at the top of my mayoral to-do list.”
TconNM: “We recommend Gorilla Grips brand stickers. They come in seashell and duck shapes, with a variety of colors.”
Eddy said nothing to our helpful suggestion for increased shower safety. He merely stared as if it was his personal mission in life to force us to break the awkward silence.
TconNM: “We have a few extras if you want them.”
Eddy: “That’s very generous.”
After removing a five-pack of Gorilla Grip brand ducky stickers from our official Conservative New Mexican valise and sliding them non-challantly across Aragon’s desk, we once again engaged in a staring contest. A floating particle of dust unfortunately forced us to blink first this time.
Eddy: “Do you have any other questions, like about my plans as mayor to fight crime or end homelessness or how I’ll push back against the governor’s tyrannical pandemic policies?”
Unwilling to allow the subject of this special investigation to steer the conversation to friendlier territory, we snapped shut our notebook and glared a piercing glare.
TconNM: “This investigation is terminated.”
Categories: Saturday Satire