General Content

Biden Calls For Unity Before Accusing Republicans of Believing Democrats Drink Children’s Blood

In an A-for-effort attempt at cool reason in a hot partisan climate, President Joe Biden on Wednesday drove his logic rocket into an asteroid as he mumble-barked a word salad of incoherence at a befuddled CNN audience of socialist fangirls, including Don Lemon.

And he was not joking.

Television viewers collectively spit their drinks across the living room as the most popular president in the history of the country lectured small business owners about wages in post-pandemic America and claimed vaccines prevent COVID transmission.

According to an anonymous source (whose legitimacy you cannot question because doing so would make you a QAnon conspiracy theorist), White House officials were hard at work less than halfway through the Biden town hall drafting paperwork needed to remove the rambler in chief from power and install her heiness Kamala Harris as Oval Office cackler.

Here are a few gems from Biden’s town hall. 

“Look, I sometimes get myself in trouble for what I’m about to say. Not that I ever get in trouble (chuckle). As you’ve heard me say before, ‘no one ever doubts I mean what I say, the problem is that I sometimes say all that I mean,’ and uh…but all kidding aside. 

“I have faith in the American people, I really do, to ultimately get to the right place. And by the way, many times Republicans are in the right place. I don’t mean that Republicans…it’s only the Democratic point of view..but some of the stuff, I mean, QAnon, the idea that the Democrats or the Bidens hiding people and sucking the blood of children…no I’m serious. 

“Now you may not like me and that’s your right. Look, it’s a simple thing, you can walk out and say, ‘I just don’t like the way that guy wears his tie, I’m votin’ against him,’ you have a right to do that. You have a right to do that. But the kinds of things that are being said of late, I think you’re beginning to see some of the, and both, and by Democrats as well, sort of the venom get sort of, sort of leak out of a lot of it. We’ve gotta get beyond this. What do you say to your grandchildren, or you children, about what’s happening? Do you ever remember a time like this before, in the entire history, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican? This is not who we are.”

 — In answer to the question, “Do you know who you are?”

Responding to a question about whether he knows who was president while he was vice president, Biden stated: 

“I’ve had a lot of experience internationally. And I mean that, not good or bad, just I have. I’ve chaired the Foreign Relations Committee. I’ve been deeply involved. I did national security for the, our last, the, the, the administration with Barack. 

“But, folks, the rest of the world is wondering about us. Those of you who travel abroad, not a joke, not a joke, you ask, you know, when I went to this G7, all the major democracies, I walked in and I know a lot of them because of my role in the past, and they walk in and I said, ‘America is back.’ And they go — I’m serious, heads of state — I give you my word as a Biden — said, ‘Are you really back?’ ”

He was really not joking.

“And so they are doing, they are doing the examinations now, the testing now, and making the decision now. When they are ready, when they’ve done all the scientific need…to be done to determine children at ages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8, they, in fact, are, all have different makeups. They’re developing. 

“They’re trying to figure out whether or not there’s a vaccination that would affect one child that’s at such and such an age and not another child. That’s underway. And the question is whether or not we should be in a position where you are, why can’t the, the, the experts say, ‘We know that this virus is, in fact — it’s going to be…’ or, excuse me, ‘We know why all the drugs approved are not temporarily approved, but permanently approved.’ That’s underway too. I expect that to occur quickly.”

 — In answer to the question, “Are children between 3 and 8 but but not 2 or 9 in a position to be…where are you and why can’t the, the, the scientific need to be done?”

Asked about whether or not Mark Zuckerberg should cross the street with 12 individuals from Facebok as a four year old, Biden said:

“There was a report out saying that for that — something like 45 percent of the overwhelming disinformation on Facebook comes from 12 individuals. I said, ‘They’re killing people, those 12 individuals, that misinformation is going to kill people. Not a joke. Not a joke. It’s like telling your kid, ‘I tell you what…’ — four years old — ‘…when you see a red light, cross the street.’ I mean, come on.”

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